To Be, Despite the World

 That time when their troubles remained unresolved was better compared to the one in which everything collapsed. There was a masterful energy behind adolescence that altered the state of how things were perceived. Suddenly, the ruins of childhood comfort were replaced by the despair of identity discovery. At least, they reached the limit of exhaustion at different times, so they could offer each other support in the other’s moment of fragility.

 In their parents’ inability to understand the nature of the conflicts — or the impulses that drove them to make their own choices — like a long period of drought, hope faded from their spirits, brought down by the weight of what they had uncovered in a world where conflict subverts much more than solidarity. A shoulder to rest one's head on, nothing more. Relief from tribulation. Between strongholds and stones, time dissolved dilemmas and brought answers with it. It was time to repair what had been broken, André believed.

 The space felt small every time he was near Phillipe without being able to talk to him. He was happy that Phillipe had found someone who gave him attention. Like a blank page signed with determination, Leônidas was a rare partner who understood his needs. That made him stronger than anyone else, for he saw a spark in Phillipe’s aspirations that helped him rise above discouragement.

 André had always been more reserved compared to those he called friends. Because he lacked excess, he was able to dive into a journey of self-discovery early on. He was the first to reach the limit of exhaustion. Lonely, misunderstood. Freed from criticism, he refused to let that wound him deeply. He didn’t offend anyone, was too modest to use words as weapons. Yet, there was a battle of his against the world, in recognizing that who he was differed from what others believed one should be.

 He had never given anyone reason to look at him with discord or anger. The feeling of suffocation became what pushed him into anguish and despair, in the struggle to connect what he felt and allow his thoughts and identity to take shape on his skin.

 For a long time, he didn’t know what it all meant. André didn’t understand when the thought became so persistent that he could no longer ignore it. He was dying inside. No one knew what happened in the silence of his room. Depressed, he detached from his own essence because he saw that every being seeks to exercise the free will given to them, but he lacked the courage to define the course of his intentions.

 His inner struggles intensified in adolescence, when his personality took on its own shape, no longer matching the expectations of those who came before him. Until then, the criticism he heard had been met with indifference. His collection of car miniatures was larger than his brother’s. His clothes were intentionally oversized. The boys didn’t care if he was around, but the girls felt uncomfortable.

 André was not the type to be satisfied with hearing others’ explanations for his dilemmas; he preferred a personal process of investigation, contemplating the vastness of life’s enigma, allowing himself to perceive the nuances of its unpredictability. Life is a fascinating mystery. To allow oneself to be touched by the power of the miracle was to be reborn in serenity.

 The dilemma he faced was different from that of others his age, even though he knew how to hide it. His introspective behavior always made others see in him a shyness that never existed.

 There was a contradiction between what others expected of him and what he intended to be. Pushed to that cliff, the experience had to be worth it — an affirmation of himself, as a subject, the owner of his own story.

 He had no apparent reason to rebel. He never wanted the roof under which he slept to become a place of discord. And, for having cut his hair himself, he announced that it was an irreversible decision, made in defense of his dreams.

 Sometimes, resentment accumulates in the inability to face it. The passage of seasons intensifies what was left unhealed, amplifying the poison’s strength. Pride may seem like a form of protection, just as it can turn into a weakness that kills from within. There was much more strength in forgiveness. André believed this was the right moment for it.