No Manual for Emotional Survival

 Leônidas wiped his arm across his forehead, removing the mark of sweat and leaving a faint smudge of grease on that sunny afternoon. It wasn’t the first time he had learned some mechanical tricks, yet he confessed he had never gone so far in his efforts at it. Bartolomeu suggested they spend some time together to get to know each other. He didn’t have the courage to refuse, as he believed he should make an effort to reconcile.

 The man made sure to behave amicably, in a strange sort of compensation for what he had been in the past. He wanted to ensure that Leônidas would see in him someone he could trust. Maintaining harsh behavior could give the boy a reason to draw closer to those he disliked, so it seemed reasonable to alter the strategy. The mechanical lessons would serve as a bridge to shorten the distance between them.

 Leônidas knew Bartolomeu had grumbled at every opportunity he could about him having become a “deviant.” Nevertheless, he believed that the more time they spent together, the clearer the reference about who he should be would become. From the lack of complaints, he inferred that the man was making an effort and respected that. Leônidas avoided delving into critical thinking so as not to devalue it, because he needed to give him a chance to try to see something good in the man.

 Bartolomeu introduced him to the functionality of the parts, as well as how to identify minor defects in a car and small maneuvers to solve them. Leônidas adapted with difficulty, but the purpose of what he wanted for adult life became much more defined when he realized it wasn’t what he wanted for himself. He didn’t like the way Bartolomeu spoke, boasting about little tricks to deceive the customer, inducing them to spend more than they should, trying to persuade him that this was the secret of clever people. It didn’t seem decent or honest to him, even though Bartolomeu presented it as an advantage consistent with survival.

 During free time, Bartolomeu suggested they go out for a walk, but Leônidas, unmotivated, insisted he wasn’t feeling well. Fortunately, Rachel, convinced by this, claimed that the excess sun had made him ill. The man was disappointed. He really wanted the boy to accompany him. He didn’t give up. Although Leônidas stayed locked in his room, hours later Bartolomeu knocked on his door, concerned about whether he was feeling better. Despite his dejected lament, the man insisted he watch television with him. He couldn’t avoid it, dragging himself down the stairs and settling on the couch with a sulky face.

 Bartolomeu had never been empathetic, but he wanted to appear so. A gesture of goodwill placed a forced smile on his face. Leônidas hated those stupid shows.

 It didn’t take long for him to feel saturated from staying at home, when Calebe appeared like a savior for the dilemmas he faced. It seemed sensible that the boy would be reciprocal if he confided in him about his problems. This would be a sort of truce, through which he might reach greater sobriety. Soccer remained the only element that could unite them, since more and more those he had once called friends were drifting away. The experience, however, was not satisfactory. Leônidas received no more than a crooked look, a pat on the back, and words telling him everything would be fine, just to make him stop talking.

 Calebe had his own dilemmas; therefore, he wouldn’t allow anyone to dwell on his without first listening to the complaints he himself might present. In comparison, it was never the kind of thing that would push him to rethink his own identity or see life from a new perspective. The traces of failure were never intriguing or relevant, but Leônidas never dared not to give them due importance.

 From a distance, he spied on Phillipe. The boy expressed indifference in his features, when it seemed to have no effect on him. That space where he once sat together with André or Aroldo to talk had been much happier. That was only a shadow of the past, something that no longer existed. Part of him would give anything to have that back. Leônidas tried to silence such inclinations.