If Necessary, I Let Go
Ulisses almost lost his sense of reality when he arrived at the hospital. He wanted to see Phillipe immediately, but that was not possible. Hearing that the greatest danger had passed did nothing to calm his heart. Too apprehensive, restless, discontent, collapsing to his knees on the floor, his body shattered under the weight of guilt. He had to be sedated to regain control. His color drained, headaches throbbed. Though unable to stand, he did not close his eyes all night.
His impulses were contained only when he could see Phillipe, who, sedated, slept. Ulisses wanted to hurt himself, tormented by the weight of his own negligence, convinced that everything that had happened was his fault. He had lowered his guard, granting Phillipe greater freedom. He trusted that, should he ever be at the edge of the precipice, Phillipe would call for him before falling. There had been times when the warning signs were far more evident, but this time, most of the time, the boy had seemed serene and smiling.
The sense of failure drove him to realize he did not know how to go on, for he had not recognized his mistakes. He wondered what meaning he had in Phillipe’s experience, blaming himself for failing to inspire the trust in him to safeguard his integrity. Phillipe’s pain seeped into his skin, a suffering greater than the boy’s own.
For a long time, his mind remained barren of thoughts. But when they returned to lucidity, they came accompanied by a resolve for sensibility. Through his efforts, he would not allow this to happen again; yet he feared that the vigilance he exercised might not be enough to point Phillipe toward the purposes he should hold onto. Afraid of his own indulgence, he was willing to make a greater wager: that remaining by his side might not be what would heal the pains of the soul.
The signs of mourning for Phillipe’s possible departure began to show in his weakened smile and in the uncontrolled tear running down his face, for no expression could be more intense than letting go of someone you love. He could not allow Phillipe to stay by his side just because it made him happy. He had to consider the possibility that perhaps the boy’s happiness lay on another path, away from him, without diminishing what he had been able to contribute to his growth.
He had not been recognized as a father, much less as a hero, though every moment beside him was graciously cherished. He would forever be grateful for what Phillipe had awakened in him — something Phillipe would never understand. Ulisses now needed to prepare himself for what to say when Phillipe awoke. For there would have to be a conversation in which he would announce that, if Phillipe no longer wished to remain with him, the decision would be respected.
His entire being was consumed by anxiety. He had never been close to doing something so difficult in all his life, yet it felt honest to hope that someday, in the future, they might meet again to understand what they had not understood, confused by the intensity of emotion.
Ulisses convinced himself to respect, if that were the case. On his face, he would force a smile to inspire serenity, so Phillipe would not fear making a choice. Even if his entire body trembled, begging him not to do it, he would not dare surrender to his own selfishness.
No — for Phillipe, he would be willing to try a thousand times, if the boy so wished. God knew how much he regretted having been so harsh with him. He should have taken into consideration the complaints made. Ulisses could not hide from those around him the disturbing nature of the situation. He eventually fell asleep on the bench from exhaustion. His clothes were wrinkled, and he had to be convinced to return home.
Ulisses gave in to the request, because he needed to feel renewed when his eyes could meet Phillipe’s again. In everything he did, it was impossible to quiet his thoughts. But when faced with the empty rooms, with an absence that could hurt so deeply, he needed to find a thread to set things back in their place. Perhaps, by the call of time, like a serene river that flows according to nature’s intent, everything would return to where it belonged. He believed in that. Though the proposition might be rejected, in the end everything would be well.